you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
