dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
