I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
