I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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