respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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