I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
