i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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