I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
