I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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