im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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