Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
