New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
