And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
