dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Hippo gnu deer
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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