Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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