Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
