I accidentally burped into my bong.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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