if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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