and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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