I faked an abortion last night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
