Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
