He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
