Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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