there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
