i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
