From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
