that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
this is an emotional support booty call
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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