she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
