The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
