My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
