I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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