u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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