its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
