If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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