were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
50% drunk capacity currently
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
