Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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