Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
