I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
