i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
