I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
dude. I can hear the air.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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