Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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