yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize