This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Alive.
So much puke
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
