You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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