does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
