Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
