Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize