she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
