I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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