i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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