You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
