Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I checked into jail on foursquare
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
