Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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