Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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