I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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