the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
