I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
